If you've followed the career of Nipsy Tussle or The Follies Girls when I first auditiously attempted to create the first incarnation of this troupe in 2012, you'll know that there have been a number of times that the production has stopped because of infighting or accusations and my personal desire to not fight back but pick myself up and dust myself off and try again. In the past I chose not to fight because I don't like conflict. I also do not like trying to convince anyone of the truth when I clearly see they have made up their mind about me. Every time I've faced these hiccups I've had receipts proving my innocence, or was and AM very willing to explain my naievte or my complete newness to running a business and learning as I go. I have apologized more times than I've been apologized to. I have made mistakes with fellow performers when I was very low on money, and instead of paying them as agreed, I would have to pay them a day or two later. Rather than them tell me this was a huge inconvenience and me do whatever I had to do to get the funds together, lead to inevitable dissolving of relationships.
Every situation that caused me to fold my hand or just try again, I learned from. I analized my role in every single mistake that lead to the issues. I worked harder to learn the businesses. I hired accountants. I provided more opportunities for people to be involved in leadership and learn the burdens of a producer that honestly lives paycheck to paycheck so that they could see where every cent goes. I have trusted people to lead teams, and tried to give some the reigns as producers. I have attempted in every instance to attempt to bridge the gap or make things right. Mostly it was over misunderstandings that my NOW tendency to overcommunicate would have probably served me well at the time.
Some times it was due to asking people to tell me about specific things that cause me trust issues, specific things that I was very upfront about and said as long as you tell me I won't have an issue with it, and them doing things without my knowledge only to find out from other people. I cannot say that I don't have scars from past betrayals where I've found people coming back and apologizing later and requesting second chances. Sometimes it was me feeling a target for other people that just didn't like me or the productions I brought to the community. I didn't want to exist in a performing arts caste system, that was built on fear, intimidation, and a beautiful ability to use others just for someone's gain. I chose to try to do things differently. I was told time and time again, this was the nature of performing arts...that jealousy, or infighting was just part of the territory, when I had the stupid notion that it didn't have to be. I thought there could be people who shared the spotlight and whole heartedly supported one another in our efforts to live and perform as we'd dreamed when we were younger.
There will always be ambitious and talented people who really need to run their own shows, or find their own fit if one group isn't what they wanted or felt stifled or otherwise. As I've grown, I fear the abandonment less than I did as a woman just starting out in this business. Mostly it's because I've lost people in my life to death and I've learned to appreciate their time in my journey and hope that whatever they experienced with me helped them to forge their own path ahead. I've never outrightly wished any one ill will. I have at times had knee jerk reactions to being caught off guard, but I have always apologized for those and attempted to resolve it and own my own bullshit.
I still think that most everyone I've ever known whether they feel fondly about me or abhor me has been a valuable person in my growing up and my integrity. I have learned so much and I continue to learn. I have developed standards in a performers agreement that I hold fast to with expectations of myself as the leader as well as expectations of the performers. I have provided countless hours of choreography, teaching, modeling, mentoring and a listening ear to people who either heard me in return or just wanted to hear themselves. I've learned what narcissism looks like and how sociopathic people behave in relationships. I've cried and screamed and been hurt but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Lessons in life are rarely easy, but if you lean into them and work each time to do things better, with more compassion but with stronger standards maybe sometimes you get it right. As a continuing work in progress, I'm blessed to have a number of people who value my transperancy, my documentation and proof on every level, and my ability to face the issues that I go through more head on than just hope they "blow over". Being an adult and having to adult isn't fun all the time, but it's important and it's through these lessons I've learned that I cannot just hope things go better or believe that every person is inherently good. I have had to work on fairness, mediating issues where an impasse was present, and sometimes letting someone go who just doesn't seem to understand the agreement that you have developed.
I recently sent out a list of rules of behavior and ettiquette which included items presented by Jo Weldon in The Handbook of Burlesque. Behaviors I've seen and experienced people do RIGHT in front of my face and in public. In the end I do take for granted that everyone knows how important ettiquette is but it has become increasingly important for me to make that in writing. Which I do and have done ever since I have restarted this journey in 2024. I love being more nitpicky and accountable to my accountants, I love documenting every last receipt to meet the standards of a 501c3 which has also been a learning lesson but a very positive one. I hope that The Follies Girls continue to grow, strengthen, produce performers who may stay or may go that are more confident and strong as artists.
I have definitely had toxic parts of myself over the years, and a lot of it was due to lonliness, fears, abandonment issues or otherwise. I probably still have elements of myself that are toxic for some people; but in the end I know that I am very much moving through life with my integrity in tact and all my mistakes learned from. I move forward with hope in my heart that the right people will find their way into my life and what I have to offer. I am definitely not a perfect person. I am also not a rich person, but I know who I am and I have the receipts to back it up. I always had them, I just didn't want to always feel I had to make a huge performance in an attempt to prove anyone wrong. Do not let your standards down, learn what you need to help you feel secure and supported and be honest with those people whom you work with and are in relationship with. If those don't align with theirs then understand it's not a good fit and bid one another all the best.
Do it all with dignity. You are worth it.